


Phil Coulson and the Phallus Phails

by uofmdragon



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, M/M, Marvel Cameos, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 19:49:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20345728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uofmdragon/pseuds/uofmdragon
Summary: Phil has 10 days off to spend with Clint.  All he wants is some alone time.  However,the other Avengers are conspiring against himfate has other plans.





	Phil Coulson and the Phallus Phails

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ereshai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ereshai/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Clint Barton and the Cockblocking Conspiracy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11951871) by [ereshai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ereshai/pseuds/ereshai). 

> For the 2019 Remix Clint Coulson Remix Challenge.
> 
> This fic was is a Remix of Ereshai's [Clint Barton and the Cockblocking Conspiracy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11951871). 
> 
> Beta by lapillus 
> 
> Civil War never happened, because Fuck Civil War. Neither did Infinity War nor Endgame.  
We're also just going to pull the AoS crew after the Agents of Hydra storyline.

Phil sighed as the Avengers Facility came into view. It had been too long since he'd seen Clint. 

"Ready to see your boy toy?" Melinda asked. 

"You know he's not my boy toy," Phil replied, calmly. "But yes. I'm going to head to the drop zone. Mack is in charge while I'm gone."

"Tell Thor to call me," Melinda said.

"I think Thor has his hands full!" Phil called back as he headed out of the cockpit. 

"Then tell Brunhilda, too!" Melinda retorted.

Phil laughed, heading toward the cargo bay and where one of the quinjets was docked. He'd take that the rest of the way down. The others would be headed off for a bit of vacation. They needed it after dealing with magic, technology that was so advanced it might as well have been magic, and then the killer robots with advanced AIs. Phil needed a Clint break, one that he hadn't had in a long time.

"Hey AC," Daisy called as he passed by her. "Got a present for you."

Phil paused, looking over at her. She flipped him a paper bag, which he caught midair. "Do I even want to know?"

"It's so you can have a fun and safe vacay!" Daisy replied.

Phil frowned, opening the bag and looking inside to see the lube and condoms. He lifted his head to glare at her.

"Have fun!" Daisy said, before ducking into her cabin, the door sliding shut, before he could get a word out. Phil made a mental note to return the favor when Daisy and Robbie finally stopped dancing around each other.

The others appeared to wish him a good vacation, but no one else commented on his plans. Not that any of them had differing plans than him with their partners. Phil strapped into the quinjet and he piloted it to the nearest landing pad. He landed without incident and headed to Clint's quarters, letting himself in. Well, he suspected that Tony's current AI for the base allowed him to let himself in. He dropped his bag next to the door.

"Clint?" 

"Kitchen!" Clint called.

Phil sniffed as he headed in that direction. "Stuffed Peppers?" 

"Yep, got like fifteen more minutes!" Clint came around the corner, smiling at him. "You're early." 

"I think Melinda caught a tailwind," Phil said. He leaned in and kissed Clint, stepping closer, so that their bodies were pressed up against each other. Another step and Phil had him pressed against the wall. Clint's hand landed on his ass, squeezing lightly.

"Agent Barton, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Ms. Maximoff is requesting admittance to your apartment. Shall I tell her that you're busy?"

Clint groaned, head thumping against the wall. "It's Wanda. She doesn't…"

Phil rubbed into him. "You sure, I can't convince you to send her away?"

"Lemme see if it's important," Clint murmured. He kissed Phil's cheek and then slipped out of Phil's arm. 

Phil sighed, turning to catch sight of Clint's ass. He was at least going to appreciate the view. Clint stood in the doorway, quietly talking with Wanda. He turned and looked over at Phil, mouthing 'sorry' and let Wanda into the room. Clint wrapped an arm around her, rubbing her shoulder. 

"We're just about to have supper and then we can watch a movie, maybe?" Clint said, looking over at Phil.

"That sounds nice," Wanda murmured. She glanced up and blinked, noticing him for the first time. "Oh, Agent Coulson, I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Phil said, noting the tear streaks. "Clint made stuffed peppers."

"I don't think I've had those," Wanda said. 

Clint wrapped an arm around her. "Phil loves 'em. Why don't you go pick out a movie?"

Wanda nodded, heading to the living room. 

"Thank Phil," Clint said, softly as he stepped into them. "It's been a year since Pietro died. It just hit her hard…"

"Well, you can't send her away," Phil said. "I'll make popcorn later."

"Sounds good." Clint kissed him quickly, before going into the kitchen as the timer went off. Phil sighed, resigning himself to a night of movies.

*

Phil can't even blame Wanda. At least not until it happens again…

*

They headed into NYC to go get something to eat the next day and have a date night. Neither of them wanted to go somewhere fancy, but there was a place that Sitwell had found that both men enjoyed. It was a small hole in the wall, but it made the best Ethiopian outside of Ethiopia, of course. 

They'd ordered their food and the appetizer had just been delivered when Clint's eyes narrowed.

"Problem?" Phil asked as he noted Clint's sudden tenseness.

"Those ants are acting weird," Clint stated, jutting his chin toward a corner.

"So?" Phil asked, looking toward where Clint was. He couldn't see it, but Clint's far sight was superior to his own. Even if Clint had taken to wearing glasses when reading things now, which was all kinds of adorable, hot professor, and sexiness.

Phil leaned in. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Sco…"

Clint fell silent when a woman in a dark blue suit suddenly appeared next to him. She hit a button her helmet to reveal dark brown hair pulled into a messy bun. "Scott's in trouble."

Clint nodded, moving to slide out of the booth. He was waving at the waitress. "Cancel our order."

Phil pulled out his wallet and threw down more than enough cash to cover their meal and tip. He always made sure that he had enough cash to cover more than a meal for the two of them, just in case.

The woman hit the button again and her face disappeared behind the helmet. Clint followed her out of the building with Phil following him. What followed was a jaunt around the city saving fucking Ant-man from a group calling themselves "The Wrecking Crew," which included a woman simply trying to headbutt everything, a man with piledrivers for fists, a man swinging a ball on a chain, and another man with a "magical" crowbar, which of course they then needed to steal from "Wrecker." 

By the time, the magical crowbar was handed over to Doctor Strange the sun had risen and Clint was passed out in the back of a 1972 Ford Ecoline which played 'La Cucaracha' when someone hit the horn. Phil had to face Dr. Strange flanked by Scott Lang (so much potential, but in need of some serious work) and Hope Van Dyne (more potential, less work). The Wasp received his card and instructions to call him later while Phil went to wake Clint and figure out how to get a ride back to the Avengers Facility.

The ride turned out to be the fucking van with Scott's friend, Luis recapping the evening and making Scott sound so much more heroic than he actually was. Hope was also talked up, though not as much. Somehow, Phil became the person that needed saving throughout the night. Clint was blissfully unaware of any of this, snoring on Phil's shoulder with one strong arm wrapped around Phil's chest.

*

Phil wrote up a report about the evening, mentally adding details about how good Clint had looked and how annoying Scott and Luis were. He included a recommendation to recruit Hope, because seriously that woman should be an agent or an asset.

What was worse was that Phil had the night off, but Clint was needed for Avenger stuff. A follow up to the night before, because they needed to figure out how the Wrecking Crew had gotten their abilities. 

*

That mission stretched into a second night and a third night, since the 'inhuman' theory ruled out on the first night. Phil wondered if the team was trying to keep Clint from him. Was this punishment for faking his death and not telling them? He could see Stark doing this to punish him.

*

Attempt #3, well technically Phil's sixth night of vacation. Clint was thankfully back from his mission. Phil prepped some food that would be quick and easy to reheat. It would also be easy to feed Clint. Phil smiled as he worked at the thought of it. Clint always did get hungry after sex and Phil wanted them to go as long as possible, they'd need fuel.

"Are you prepping food?" Clint asked as he came in from the gym. 

"Yeah," Phil said.

Clint draped himself over Phil's shoulder. "Did you make brownies?"

"Yeah, so we can make brownie sundaes."

"I don't think that's within my approved diet."

"I plan to work those calories off of you," Phil growled as he turned to kiss Clint. 

"I'm going to grab a shower, so you can dirty me up again," Clint said, rubbing his cock into Phil's ass. "I'll save that for you though."

Clint pulled away, heading toward the bathroom. Phil was tempted to follow him, but the brownies would be burnt if he did. The timer went off and he pulled the brownies out of the oven. Clint reappeared a few moments later, dressed in jeans and a sleeveless tee-shirt. He smirked, leaning against the door. He stretched his arms off, showing off his biceps. 

"Hey babe, are you a sea lion?"

"No…" Phil said.

"Because I can see you lyin' in my bed." 

"Are you a drill sergeant?" Phil asked. "Because you make my privates stand at attention."

Clint grinned. "Do you work for UPS? Because I think I saw you checking out my package."

Phil moved to step in and kiss him, long and slow. 

"Agents," Tony's AI announced. "I'm afraid I can't stop her."

"Barton!" a strong female voice yelled. "I brought the Assholes of the Galaxy with me, because we need to celebrate!"

Clint groaned. "What are we celebrating?"

"Quill and I being back on planet? Does it matter?" the woman said. "Ooh, Brownies. I haven't had brownies in so long. Can I have one?"

Phil turned to see Carol Danvers standing in the other kitchen door, looking at them. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "Probie?"

"Director," Phil corrected. "Help yourself."

"You two know each other?" Clint asked.

"Yes," Phil said, stepping away from Clint. "Briefly." He looked over at Carol, who was taking a bite of brownie. "Fury know you're back on planet?"

Carol shook her head. "Unfortunately, the communicator I gave him only goes one way. Why? You have a way?"

"I can get him a message," Phil said with a nod. "Not sure when he'll see it. He's gone off book."

"Most of the population thinks he's dead, like they did Phil for a time," Clint added.

"Long story, I'll tell you later," Phil said, slipping out of the room to message Fury. 

Carol was a determined woman. Night six was bust and whenever Fury arrived, which would be either tomorrow night or the following night. 

*

Fury showed up on the 7th night. The party was even bigger, because the Asgardians provided some of the liquor. The Wakandans also showed up, providing some music. He texted Melinda that Valkyrie was making heart eyes with Captain Marvel and that a sentient raccoon had eaten the majority of the brownies he'd made for Clint.

*

It took most of the day for them to get over the hangover. It dawned on Phil sometime after dinner that Clint and him had been alone with no crises all day. He wrapped an arm around Clint's shoulders and pulled himself in closer, so that he press a kiss into Clint's neck and then another one lower on his neck, before biting gently.

Clint hummed softly, turning to look at him. "Really?"

"I've missed you," Phil said. "Are you still hungover?"

"Not for you," Clint murmured, leaning into kiss Phil. "You just may have to do most of the work."

"How is that any different than usual?" Phil asked, teasingly.

Clint snorted, wrapping an arm around Phil and in a few maneuvers, Phil found himself on top of Clint, who was laying on the couch.

Phil slipped his hands under Clint's shirt to tug it off as the alarm began blaring.

Phil was on his feet in a flash, Clint behind him. 

"Ana?!" Clint called.

"The laboratory, Princess Shuri set off an explosion," the AI answered.

"Ana?" Phil questioned as he followed Clint out of the room.

"I don't know," Clint said, shaking his head as he raced down the hallway. "Can we talk about it later. We're going to have to deal with…" Clint skidded to a halt, stopping just before the golden spear. "Okoye! What a pleasure to see you."

"We cannot get in to assess the princess' safety."

"Yeah, well…" Clint said. "Ana, can we get a status update, please!"

"Princess Shuri's heart rate has spiked, but is starting to settle. I do not detect any life threatening injuries."

Clint smiled, one hand going below the point to push it upward. "See, She's okay."

"And you expect me to listen to a white man's AI."

"Tony…"

"Bah."

"Why can't we go in, Ana?" Clint asked.

"Decontamination protocols were triggered. Please allow 1 hour for the process to be completed. I will interrupt this process if Princess Shuri displays any injuries that are critical."

"I don't suppose there is a way to communicate with my sister?" T'Challa asked, stepping into the hallway. 

Clint nodded at him. "Depends on where she is in the room." He moved through the guards to the doors to tap on the glass pulling up a screen. "Where is she, Ana?"

"I was able to initiate quarantine protocol. She is isolated from the gas and the explosion. Unfortunately, I do not have a microphone or speaker in her area."

A video popped up of Princess Shuri banging on a glass. It almost looked like she was in a tube. 

"She's not in danger of running out of oxygen is she?" Clint asked.

"Not at this time," Ana said.

"Pull up the room schematics, would you?" Clint requested. "Let's see if we can clean up an area that will give us communications."

"Thank you Clint," T'Challa said.

Clint nodded, he glanced back over at Phil. "You might as well as head back. I got this."

"I can see," Phil murmured.

Clint did indeed have this, though decontamination took even longer. Apparently Shuri wasn't used to tech that isn't as advanced as her own. Clint stayed with the Wakandans until after Shuri was out of the room and then had to debrief with Steve about everything. It was early morning by the time he came home and he was non responsive when Phil tried to wake him. 

*

Next time, they were taking a vacation together to some place that would be just the two of them. Still, Phil had two more nights, before Melinda picked him up, which meant two more chances. Phil needed an ally.

*

"I need your help," Phil said, taking a seat across from Natasha. He paused, taking in her new look. "Mission?"

"Trying something new," Natasha replied, taking a sip of her coffee. "Don't think I like it."

"Blonde isn't very Natasha Romanov," Phil said. It was her hair and he'd never dare to say anything too negative, but she had said she wasn't a fan.

Natasha nodded. "So, what do you need my help with?"

"I've been here over a week and I've had sex with your B.F.F. exactly zero times and I have…" Phil glanced at his watch. "Forty-eight hours, before I leave."

Her eyes narrowed. "How have you managed to _not_ have sex with him? He used to always T.M.I. me about how it hurt to sit, because of your cock and how you tasted."

"We keep getting interrupted: Wanda, Scott, mission, Carol's Party, Carol's party with Nick, and last night Shuri's lab explosion," Phil said.

Natasha nodded. "Yeah, that would do it. So, I need to distract the All American Trio?"

Phil arched an eyebrow.

"It's their poker night - Barnes, Rogers, Wilson, and Barton are the ones that always play. Maybe I can talk T'Challa into joining them."

"And everyone else?" Phil asked.

"I got it," Natasha replied. "Have fun."

*

Phil waited for Clint to wake up and go through his usual morning ablutions, which included breakfast. Phil was a good boyfriend. He waited until Clint was all done and had looked at him and asked. "So what are we doing today?"

Phil pounced, wrapping himself around Clint and trying to hit all of Clint's hotspots at once. Clint took a split second to get on board, but then he was there, tearing off Phil's clothes. He leaned down to lip and nip at Phil's nipples as he picked Phil up and set him on the table. 

"This is not stable for much," Phil pointed out.

"Stable enough for me to blow you," Clint replied, tugging Phil's pants and sucking him down.

"Fuck yes," Phil groaned. "You look so damn good."

Clint hummed.

"Not going to last, but I probably need the release, since I want to fuck you later."

Clint looked up and did the thing with tongue that felt so damn good.

"Fuck," PHil growled, grabbing at Clint's shoulders, which were nice and broad.

"Sorry Phil," Natasha's voice came over the loudspeakers. Moments before Steve's, "Avengers Assemble!"

Clint pulled off. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" He stood, looking at Phil. "Marvel is here, they don't…"

"You're their eyes in the sky, go," Phil said. "It shouldn't take long with how many heroes are here."

Clint nodded and headed out of the room, pulling his pants up as he went. Phil went to grab his suit, could provide some assistance after all.

*

It took long pretty much all night, because coordinating the number of heroes was more complicated and it took them a while to not get in each other's way. Which only happened, because Phil snapped at them to listen to Clint, who was the only one that could see that whole damn battlefield unless Barnes wanted to get his ass up high.

Once the newcomers started listening to Clint, things went well. During the mop up, Phil called some nearby hotels, supposedly to check on damage reports. In actuality, he found a nice hotel suite with a jacuzzi and snuck off with Clint as soon as Steve ordered them back to base for a debrief. He texted Natasha to let her know what was up and the hotel they were going. He then smashed Clint's comms and his phone. They were not going to be disturbed again!

*

Phil was late for his pick up, stealing a few more minutes exchanging blowjobs with Clint. He regretted nothing until he realized that he'd given Melinda time to make friends with someone that could fly to have sexy times with her.


End file.
